A lot has happened the last few days. I’ll spare the juicy details, but what set me over the edge was getting a call from our doctor that we need to take Jojo to a pediatrician at the hospital for an issue they are worried about. Everything else that was going on seemed so minimal now compared to the thoughts that something could be wrong with my girl. After receiving that phone call, I could barely look at Jojo without falling apart. My mind was jumping from thoughts about her having a medical issue to her sitting in the doctor’s office with me and hearing them talk about her. I hate that. I hate the thought that she might feel less than or that something is wrong with her. She’s so perfect in my eyes, for her to think otherwise breaks my heart.

As you can imagine, I was counting the minutes until my husband finished work and got home to lend a hand.  When he did, I went over to finish preparing dinner and immediately broke down. Luckily, I was able to keep it rather under wraps. Unluckily, I hadn’t been able to tell him the news yet so he wasn’t aware of my emotional state. All of a sudden, mid-sob, I hear them standing behind me and Jojo’s sweet voice saying “Momma?” I didn’t answer right away, hoping they would go back to playing. Instead, my husband asked what was wrong. I couldn’t help it, I broke down even more. At first, I removed myself to the bathroom and let it out. But then, I could faintly hear Jojo upset now too, calling out for me. I knew what I had to do. 

I came out of the bathroom and immediately embraced her in a giant bear hug with tears still streaming down my face. She hugged me back and then looked up at my face and pointed to the tears. I explained to her that mommy had a hard day and was feeling sad at the moment. I related it to a recent time she had gotten emotional, explaining that just like her, I have big emotions too. I went on to share what I do in moments like that: accept the emotions, take deep breaths, and get a hug if I can. At that, she smiled and gave me another big hug. Can it get any sweeter?

I’ve always tried to hide my emotions from Jojo, especially sadness. However, in this moment, I saw what a great learning experience it was for her to see that mommy gets sad too and how much deep breaths and hugs can help. In the few days following, she wanted more hugs. I don’t know if it’s related to the moment we shared or if it will last, but a part of me hopes that in those moments she might feel some big feelings coming on and instead of being unsure what to do, she’s working on managing them with a hug to cope.

It was a good learning experience for me too about how to handle situations like that in the future. To compartmentalize when needed but also to feel emotions as they come so they don’t build up and randomly burst. I also realized how much of a safe space my husband is. Just the sight of him broke down the walls I put up to hide my emotions. I hope that I can always be that same safe space for Jojo to feel whatever she needs to feel.

Reflection

This doesn’t mean I want Jojo seeing me like this a lot. However, we’re all human. If it comes on like that again, I will work to let her see what’s going on and explain to her why I’m feeling this way instead of running off for her to wonder what’s wrong. They are more intuitive than we realize. So by her sensing I’m upset and then seeing me run off could teach her undesirable coping skills. I also found more acceptance for myself and my own emotions by talking through them with her and not hiding to cry alone. Getting a hug from her really did make me feel better. And seeing the pride on her face that she helped mommy not be sad anymore was indescribable. 

The same goes for saying sorry if I lose my temper or do something I wish I hadn’t. I remember that I’m human too and I’m going to make mistakes. If our children think we are perfect all the time and keep our emotions in, how do we think they’ll learn to fully cope with their own emotions? How do we know they won’t think that hiding their emotions is the norm? That doing so is being “strong?” They should see us in good moments and bad (with limits). In the event above, I did not tell her the full details of why I was so upset. They don’t need those details. That is how you can still protect them while showing them that big emotions are okay. They will happen now and they will happen when they are our age. It’s just part of being human.