Nothing humbles you more than how you react when you’re overtired, overworked, and dealing with an illogical little being. Picture this: you were up between 2am and 4am because your child couldn’t sleep. You then “slept in” until 6am, missing your opportunity to collect the trash for the day and get some emails sent out before your child wakes up. Then that said child wakes up, you bring them downstairs for breakfast, and they have a 20 minute meltdown crying and screaming because you put a spoon in their oats when they wanted to do it. How are you going to react? How will you keep it together in that moment?

I’m sure many of us have been here before. This is where I’ve learned the most about myself through parenting. There’s always been things I’ve wanted to work on. We should all have that, right? No one is perfect. Through motherhood, my desire to improve has been expedited. I don’t want to be a bad role model for my daughter. I want her to learn wonderful things from me just as I am learning from her. I’ve listed five things below that have added the most value to my life.

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1. Patience

Patience has never been my forte. But since having Jojo, I’ve been tested over and over again. From sitting in the same chair for hours while breastfeeding to taking ten minutes to walk one block, patience is always the common theme. Now, I see the beauty in it. Waiting and watching silently as Jojo tries over and over again to get her shoe on. Or when we are on walks and she’s happy to stand still for minutes to admire something new she hasn’t seen before.

Whatever the situation may be, I now realize why it should never be rushed. I know I’ve rushed other people in the past which I’ll have to live with. But when it comes to my daughter, change is necessary. I’ve learned to take deep breaths and to simply be wherever we are: sitting or walking. Oxford languages defines patience as “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.” Since having Jojo, I’ve learned to accept things take longer and that’s okay. There’s no right time limit on when things need to be done. The root of patience is learning to stay calm in situations outside of your control, to accept delay. To simply be in the present moment. An important skill that can be applied to many other aspects of life.

2. Learn to let things go

I wouldn’t go as far to say that I hold grudges. However, I have always been a stubborn person. Someone that needs a bit of time after an unpleasant incident to collect my thoughts and have time by myself before reacting. With children, you don’t always have that luxury. They could be pulling your hair and hitting you one minute just to turn around and tell you they love you and ask you to play. You can’t hold a grudge with a two year old. Chances are they forgot they were even doing that to you after five minutes.

Just the other night, Jojo was overtired and didn’t want to go to bed. I needed to finish brushing her teeth when suddenly she started biting me. Really hard. I tried calmly saying “that hurts” but she just kept biting me and laughing. Irritating, right? Ultimately, I ended up reacting in a way I regretted which left me telling her I needed to go and take a moment. I was so upset, thinking we would skip books for the night because of what just happened. I sat on the floor a few feet away. She finally stopped biting and watched me. After a few minutes, she asked me to play. When she realized I was still upset, she demonstrated deep breaths (telling me to take them like I had told her to the last time she was upset). Then, she ran over and kissed me right on the mouth. “Okay now, Mommy?” she said. How could I not be after that?

The unpleasant moment had passed and I still had some time to turn the night around. To teach her that one mistake wouldn’t dictate the rest of the night between us. And vice versa. I apologized to her for raising my voice earlier and explained why it happened. I told her I learned from this and will react differently next time. I also addressed the fact that biting hurts. I could tell she was really listening through my whole speech. I finished brushing her teeth, we cuddled, and then enjoyed bedtime books together. A moment I almost let pass by because I couldn’t let go of my own emotions.

This was a great learning experience for me and Jojo. I’m happy that it happened, although I wish I had responded better towards the end . Now that it’s happened, I’ll be better prepared for next time. And so will she. The most eye-opening part through all of this was when I apologized to Jojo. I was saying how I should not have raised my voice. I then went on to try and explain why I did, but there was no justifying it. Regardless of what she was doing, I should have controlled my own emotions and responded accordingly. Otherwise, I’m no different than what she was doing: feeling a big emotion and responding in an undesirable way (biting). She’s two, I’m not. And for her to learn how to control her emotions in the smallest of situations, she needs to see that I can do the same.

Again, I’m not mad at myself. I’m human. It was the end of a long day and we’ve been away from my husband for over a week now. Mistakes are bound to happen. I didn’t let it ruin the rest of the night which I am proud of. Plus, I gained great insight from it and I know I will be more prepared the next time something like that happens. Some things our children do will make us so angry and it won’t be easy to let it go right away. So don’t. Feel those feelings in a healthy way and then let them go. Be vocal to your child in a calm voice: for example, I am very upset, I need to sit over here to calm down. Then, go sit a few feet away and take deep breaths or put your favorite song on and dance around. Chances are, they’ll watch this and calm down too. It’s okay to tell them you need some space if it means re-centering your own emotions in a healthy way. A good reset can do wonders in any situation.

3. Time management

You never realize how much free time you have until you have next to none. Having children forces you to prioritize your time and make the most of every single day. Twenty minutes to yourself? That’s enough for a good workout you’ve been craving all week. Before kids, I probably would have sat on my phone and not realized twenty minutes had even gone by. Now, I try to fit in as much as I can whenever possible. I have less time to fit in things that make me happy: walking, working out, reading, talking with family and friends. Therefore, when a free moment presents itself, that’s what I try to fill it with. I can’t procrastinate as much because I don’t know when “later” or “the next time” will be.

This has applied to many different facets of my life: meal prepping, writing, self-care, and more. I’ve learned to put more value on things that add to my life. Things that help me refuel for another day or moment of parenting. If I don’t spend that free time wisely, then I might go into the next day drained and unable to respond best to my daughter. This alone motivates me to use my time wisely. There are definitely times where I slip and end up binge watching some reality show. That’s okay too. I know those moments will happen, and 9 times out of 10, I regret them as soon as they do. Especially when I wake up even more exhausted the next day. They serve as good reminders why that’s no longer a productive use of my time (and probably never was). I wish I had made these adjustments before. Better late than never though, right?

4. Appreciate the little things

Jojo sees magic in the smallest of things: an ant walking on the sidewalk, the way the sun reflects on the fridge, birds chirping, or how a raspberry fits perfectly on her fingertips. Things I often overlook, she finds joy in. Why is that? I can only imagine it’s from all of life’s stressors constantly consuming my mind that I don’t slow down to appreciate what’s right in front of me. Or at least that’s a big part of it. Jojo is always living in the moment. Her world is whatever’s right in front of her. This allows her to appreciate every small detail.

When I started to slow down, I did the same. I noticed things I hadn’t before like the way the early morning air has subtle smells from the bakery downstairs. Or the reflection of the trees in the water along the canal outside our window. There’s so much beauty in the world that gets clouded by to-do lists, future anxieties, past regrets, and more. The best way to combat that is to live in the present as best you can. Slow down. Experience each day to it’s fullest. Your commute to work might feel the same everyday, but it’s not. There will be new people, smells, sights that pass you by without you even noticing. Next time, really be in the moment of that commute whether it’s walking, on a train, or in a car. What do you see? What’s different from yesterday? Those small things go a long way. They get you out of your own head and force you to be in the present. If you are taking in your surroundings, you’re not worried about your to-do list for the day. Worries that do you no good, anyway.

Appreciating the little things also helps you lead a happier life. It’s easy to get down on yourself when you feel tired of the same routines, same town, etc. If you wake up dreading your day, nothing will change. If you wake up and immediately feel gratitude for the nice weather, birds chirping, or the fact that you’re partner took out the trash that morning, you’re immediately setting the tone for the day: positivity and gratitude. This mindset will lead to more tiny miracles.

5. There’s no right way to do something

As adults, we have norms and rules we follow. Those are important for our kids to learn. However, in doing so, we need to make sure we aren’t limiting other experiences they have. When you’re on a walk with them, and they start picking stuff up, see what they do with it before telling them what it is or where it belongs. Let their own thought process take control and see where it leads them. Or when they are completing an activity, just watch. Don’t speak or try to correct what they are doing. Who knows, they might find a better way of doing something without us enforcing our own opinions onto them.

I’m reminded of this constantly with Jojo. Especially being the perfectionist that I am, I often want to step in and help with different tasks. But when I take a step back and watch, I’m always amazed with how her mind works. One time, we were folding laundry together. Every time I started to sort them by who the clothes belonged to, Jojo would put the clothes somewhere else. My patience was running low. Finally, I decided to stop and just watch. After some time of her rearranging, I realized what she was doing. She was organizing all the clothes by shirts, pants, underwear, socks, etc. regardless of who they belonged to. She wasn’t making a mess or trying to ruin what I was doing, she just had her own way of doing it. For me, it always made sense separating clean clothes out by who they belong too because it’s easier to put them away. To her, she liked the types of clothes together.

Everyone sees the world differently. We all have our own opinions and ways of doing things. Don’t let your own opinions overpower what your children believe to the point they no longer have opinions themselves. Let them learn about the world in their own way. Let them discover how things works. You can always be by their side, but choose silence over direction more times than not. Unless it’s needed, of course. There are things about the world that they need help with. If it’s not one of those times, sit back and observe. Let them make mistakes and watch how they try over and over again to correct them. When we step in, they miss out on learning how to correct mistakes or worse, loose interest in trying again. Imagine working on something and your boss is standing there the whole time, interrupting your focus and correcting what you are doing before you can even finish. It would probably make you (1) annoyed, and (2) lose desire to do anything on your own. Most of life is subjective. What you see isn’t always what others have to see.

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Being a parent forces you to become the best version of yourself for your children. The most motivating factor there is. When you’re out of your comfort zone, it puts a spotlight on things you’d like to change. For me personally, this doesn’t even scratch the surface of what Jojo has taught me. I have so much I still want to improve on, and I know more things will continue to come up. But for now, I’m happy with how things are playing out. And I’m grateful to have such a wonderful daughter and role model in my own life. She teaches me new things everyday.