It’s been a long week. A very fun, activity-filled week. But a long week nonetheless. With that, comes a wave of exhaustion by the time Thursday and Friday hit. I want a break but I also miss Jojo as soon as I’m away. Unfortunately, she’s catching a virus. She has a runny nose and a little cough. I can tell she doesn’t feel well and it breaks my heart. I wish she would fall asleep in my arms so I could hold her when she’s like this. At the same time, it’s been a long week (in case that wasn’t clear). I feel burnt out. I feel like there’s never any time alone to regroup. No time to refresh. Sound familiar to anyone?

It’s now Thursday night and Jojo has been waking up on and off ever since I put her down around 8pm. I just spent an hour sitting on her floor and rubbing her back when she cried. She finally fell asleep. I snuck out of her room just as 1am hit and before I got to my bedroom I could already hear her crying again. I’m so worn out.  My husband had a late work dinner and got home just around that time. He offered to go in and calm her so I could lay in bed.

I took him up on that offer knowing he must be just as exhausted as I am. Within seconds, I hear Jojo’s screaming getting louder when she realizes it’s him coming in and not me. Now I’m torn. I want that “break” laying in bed even though it doesn’t feel like a break when I’m worried about her. I can still hear her crying through the wall. The guilt is overwhelming: I’m a bad mom for not being in there with her, she needs me. But also I want to be the one to comfort her and help her through this hard time. Where’s the balance? I decided to go in because she’s gotten close to hyperventilating. I grabbed her and suggested that we all go lay in our bed for her to calm down.

Time goes by and Jojo has only been playing on my head pretending it’s a slide. Clearly, she won’t fall asleep here. She needs to go to her own crib now that she’s calmed down. My husband grabs her and starts to get out of the bed. Immediately, she’s hysterical trying to squirm out of his arms, saying “momma,” and reaching out to me. It’s heartbreaking to say the least. I don’t know what to do. I desperately want to be there for her. I want to hold her and get her to fall asleep. But there’s another part of me that tells me her dad needs to do these things too. And on top of that, I know we have another full day together tomorrow and I’m already worn out. I tell myself it’s better for both of us if he takes this round on.

After they left the room, I laid in bed staring at the wall hearing her cries. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like a bad mom and started to worry about what this would do to her as she grows up. What will she think if she calls for mom and I don’t always come? Yes, it feels a little dramatic writing that out. But as a mom, this is exactly what I was thinking about and what I am still worried about. She always wants me even when other people are around. She wants me holding her, doing things with her. Obviously, I love her to death and want to do all of these things too. But I also want to not be so needed all the time. Yes, I know this is a phase. I know this is part of being a parent. And yes, I know I’ll miss these times when she’s older. But none of that makes it any easier in the moment. I’m thankful that we have this amazing bond and I don’t want to do anything to mess it up. But I also need to make sure I’m getting enough time to recharge myself so that I can be fully present when she needs me. What am I supposed to do? 

Reflection
This is a tricky one. How do you balance wanting to be there all the time with knowing you need a break too? How do you let your partner put them to bed when they are calling out your name? How do you know if what you’re deciding is right? Sometimes it’s just too much. All of it. I’m always frustrated that there isn’t a rulebook for parenting. There’s no one person out there telling you “do this” or “do that” and everything will be okay. For example, if someone said “when your child reaches out for you and calls your name, let them stay with your partner so they realize they are safe there too,” perfect. Or vice versa, if they said “you need to take them because they need you,” fine. I will do whatever needs to be done, but not knowing is what kills me. The constant worry and guilt that I’m not doing the right thing or that she’s going to think I don’t want to hold her, breaks my heart over and over again. Then, you have people telling you that worrying “makes you a good mom.” Okay, but does it? Like, does that sole factor make me a good mom? Personally, I don’t think so. I think it probably shows I want to be a good mom. But it just brings me back to my original question: what is the right thing to do? 

Clearly, every person, child, and family is different. There isn’t one right way and that’s what I need to remember and so do you if you find yourself in a similar mindset. If your body is telling you that you need a break even if it’s just 10 minutes, you should prioritize that if possible. In the grand scheme of things, it’s 10 minutes and your partner is there to love and take care of them during that time. When I’m not in the thick of those moments, I also believe that it’s good for Jojo to not always get me when she asks or have me be the one to put her down. That doesn’t make it easier, but knowing that he is her parent too and it’s good for her to feel love and comfort from him helps. As for removing the guilt in the moment? I haven’t figured out a solution for that yet. Something tells me it’s a feeling that will never fully go away.  

It’s important to end by saying that Jojo has the most incredible dad out there. He is present, caring, loving, silly, and so much more. This has nothing to do with one parent being better than the other. Anyone with children out there will understand. From talking with other mom’s, this seems to be a common occurrence of children only wanting us at times. It’s a blessing we get to carry, even if some days it may feel a bit like a curse.